Mom Sauvignon

My kids are so freaking annoying.  I took them shopping with me today to get some last minute items for our Grand Caymans trip.   They were touching each other and fighting and being so loud.  Then Max completely, totally starts freaking out.  He said, “Jack just lied to me.”  “He told me to smell his eye and that it smelled good.”  ” It does NOT smell good.”

What kind of weirdo tells someone to smell their eye?  What even weirder weirdo does it, and is then disappointed that it doesn’t smell good.  And what does an eye even smell like?   Jack is definitely my stinkiest kid.  I wouldn’t be surprised if his eye smells gross too.  I am going to thoroughly enjoy 4 nights of not listening to kids scream or having to smell any part of any of them.

I have the world’s most sensitive nose.  Drives Scott crazy, because I am constantly saying, “What’s that smell?”  With 3 kids and 5 pets, there is always SOME smell.  When the kids were little I could smell a dirty diaper from miles away.  They could be upstairs in their crib, and I could be downstairs on the other side of the house, and I would stop what I was doing and say, “Someone pooped.”

I think Jack inherited my gift….or rather curse.  Who wants to smell poop from miles away?

The last time we were making the 12 hour drive to Birmingham to visit family, we stopped for the first of 62 bathroom breaks at a gas station.  It was nasty even from the outside, but everyone had to pee.  I took all 3 kids with me into the restroom and the smell hit us in the face.  I started gagging a little bit and begged them to hurry.  But Jack was worse off than me.  He said, “I can’t do this,” and started running for the exit.  Before he could make it, he vomited in his hands.  Literally blew chunks and caught it.

The other kids started gagging and the smell was suffocating us.  We didn’t even have time to wash Jack’s hands in the sink.  The four of us bust out of the lady’s room into the main area of the store.  Everyone stops to stare.  And Jack is still holding puke.

I explain that it smells so bad in the bathroom that my child vomited.  In his own hands. Isn’t this obvious.

The foreign gas station worker guy starts apologizing and saying stuff about raw sewage that I couldn’t quite make out.

This happened within the first 20 minutes of our 12 hour road trip. Things got worse from there, including the smells.  There are all kinds of odors to endure when you are trapped in the car for 700 miles with a husband, 3 kids and a dog.